One interesting aspect of life is the realm of paradoxes. Truth has many faces, depending from which side you look at it. One of these paradoxes that I would like to spend some time exploring into right now is the ”Yes & No – two sides of the same coin”. 

Do you ever struggle with gracefully receiving a no from someone? You might even struggle to ask for what you want out of the fear of meeting a no? 

SEEING THE YES 

Wouldn’t it be great if someones No was not about you? How would that change the way you would react or respond? And how would it shift the way you are holding back to ask for what you want?

When we say no to someone’s request, what do we then say yes to?

We say yes to ourselves and our own needs. This is a key element in not taking things too personal. Here we are following the perspective of that behind every act lies a need, and not just a need – but a beautiful one. A need that we all treasure and deeply care for. And these needs are not just something we care for, they are essential to us – they are our life force – which means we can not live without them.

THE REALMS OF NEEDS

Our needs are what drives all of our actions or non-actions, they are the why behind. They are universal which means that I can relate to all of your needs because I have the exact same ones. Some examples of needs are love, joy, honesty, authenticity, belonging, empathy, compassion, grounding, understanding, connection, strength, iquality, care… These are jummy words, right?

Find a needs list here!

SEPERATING THE NEED FROM THE STRATEGY 

So when we look at a yes and a no from this perspective we can see that they are very interlinked, in fact they are the very same coin. 

Let’s say you ask me if I want to join you for a movie (the strategy in this case) and I say No. What might the yes be? I might be saying yes to my need for rest, integration, solitude, stillness (needs I want to meet by saying no to going to the movie with you). And you might be saying yes to your need for connection, togetherness, adventure, friendship or play by asking (needs you are wanting to meet by going to the movies with me). 

See this is the next important thing to understand: A need is not a doing, it is a quality we want to live. The problem often comes in when we mix the need up with our strategy to meet this need. Then things becomes personal and we are very attached to a certain outcome. In this place a No becomes not only hard to receive but we will go a long way to change it into a Yes – no fun for anybody. 

FREEDOM IS IN THE CONNECTION TO OUR NEEDS

When we know what we need, we can let go of our strategy by taking a moment and mourn the unmet need and to honor that going to the movies was (in this moment) my favorite and most preferable strategy to meet my need for play, togetherness, connection and adventure. Then we can, if we feel insecure around what the other person is saying yes to in him/herself ask them (without being attached to receiving an answer). And we can reconnect with our needs and check if there is another way we can meet those needs. Maybe it is by simply connection to them (ultimately we can meet all of our needs by self connection) or we can find another strategy that could meet the same needs. 

If we know both our and the other person’s needs we can also be creative and see if there is a way, in this moment, that we can meet both needs. So how can we meet both your need for solitude, integration, stillness and rest while at the same time meeting my need for play, connection, adventure and togetherness?

There might be a way or it might be in another moment. We could separate for a while and I could meet another friend and you can have your space to be alone. Or we could sit in silence for a while together and in that way meet my need for togetherness and friendship and your for rest, stillness and integration. 

The possibilities are endless when we see the world in this way. 

INVITATIONS FOR SELF INQUIRY INTO YES & NO:

• Connect with your need behind you wishes before you make your requests 
• Practice opening up to the needs behind someones No

• Start to look for the need behind the actions you and others make as a practice to integrate 

• Ask yourself daily: How come I want to do this? What needs am I trying to meet?

• Start noticing when a need of yours is met or not met and how that feels. What in your system is telling you, in that moment, that a need is met or not?